


don't wanna die or fade away

by godmarked



Series: PROMPTOBER 2020 [7]
Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bella Swan with a Backbone, Book: New Moon, Edward Cullen Bashing, Fix-It, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Platonic Relationships, Protective Jacob Black, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-06
Updated: 2020-10-06
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:02:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,914
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26855656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/godmarked/pseuds/godmarked
Summary: When Edward leaves, a part of Bella dies.In the months that follow, she slowly brings herself back to life (with a little help from a friend).
Relationships: Bella Swan & Charlie Swan, Jacob Black & Bella Swan, Past Edward Cullen/Bella Swan - Relationship
Series: PROMPTOBER 2020 [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1945378
Comments: 6
Kudos: 89





	don't wanna die or fade away

**Author's Note:**

> **prompt #07: cut off a wolf’s head and it still has the power to bite.**   
>  _prompt from princess mononoke / title from banners' someone to you_

When Edward leaves, a part of Bella dies. 

_ All  _ of her dies, if she’s being honest with herself. She’s not Bella anymore, in the months that follow; she’s an empty shell of a person. Months blur by like days, but individual hours last eternities. She finds herself sitting in her truck, engine rumbling under her, and she won’t remember how she drove to where she is. 

Edward Cullen made himself clear: he didn’t want her, anymore. That burning fascination had worn out, just like Bella knew it would, and now he’s gone. Alice went with him, because of course she did: they were family, and compared to that, Alice’s friendship with Bella wasn’t anything at all. Bella was  _ nothing _ . 

So when the void reaches for her, she doesn’t fight the pull. If she’s not worth anything, then she’ll make it easy for herself: no one can care about her enough to hurt, anymore. The void reaches for her, and Bella reaches back. 

-

Once upon a time, the story goes like this: a girl loves a vampire, and the vampire leaves. The girl is driven half to madness by his absence, endangering her life just for a glimpse of what she believes to be her lover. In that story, when the vampire’s sister returns and begs the girl to help her save the vampire, the girl does not hesitate to agree. 

This, thankfully, is not that story. 

-

It starts when Charlie threatens to send her to Jacksonville. 

Or maybe it starts after the movie theatre, with Jessica, when Bella finds herself walking towards a group of strangers for no  _ fucking _ reason, just to hear his voice in her head. It starts with Bella, alone in her room at night, staring at her hands. Jess had said  _ It’s like I don’t even know you, Bella _ , and the thought had bounced through her for the rest of the night. 

Bella wouldn’t consider herself suicidal, really. It’s not that she wants to die- she just wants Edward back. Without him, she can’t make herself go through the paces of being a  _ person _ . There’s no point.For the first time in months, the thought scares her. It scares her, the idea of not being a person- not being a vampire, either, but drifting around like a ghost. The spectre of what used to be Bella Swan.

She was a person before Edward. She was a person before Forks, before vampires, before her life was turned on its’ head.

She spent so long begging for him to take her humanity, asking to be turned. She wanted that because she wanted  _ him _ , not because she wanted vampiric strength, or to  _ kill herself _ . 

Before she knows what she’s doing, she’s pulling on jeans and an old hoodie, jamming her feet into sneakers. Her truck is loud enough that it might wake Charlie, but Bella doesn’t care,  _ can’t _ care. Her heart is beating a mile a minute in her chest, panic and fear beginning to claw at her throat as she pulls out onto the road. Rain drips down her windshield as she drives, body on autopilot as her brain buzzes. It’s like she’s been turned off for the last six months, but now everything is happening at once, brain processing too many things for her to focus. 

All she can do is drive. 

-

When she comes back into her body, Bella is in La Push. 

It’s still pouring, soaking her to the bone the second she climbs out of her truck. She doesn’t know why she came here, what she’s doing, all she knows is that her emotions are crashing down like a tidal wave and she needs  _ something _ . 

“Bella?” 

Jacob’s voice reaches out and cuts through her like a snapping a puppet’s strings, warm arms wrapping around Bella before she can tumble to the ground. “I’m sorry,” she gasps, clutching at his shoulders. “I didn’t- Jake, I’m so  _ sorry _ .” She’s sobbing, and she can’t feel her toes, but Jake’s arms are strong as he picks her up and cradles her against his chest. 

“I’ve got you,” he says softly. “It’s okay, Bella. You’re gonna be okay.” He sounds almost like he’s trying to reassure himself as much as he’s trying to reassure her, a thin note of panic winding through his voice. “You’re not hurt, are you?” 

She thinks she might shake her head. The spike of adrenaline is rapidly fading, and now she’s just… exhausted, a bone-deep sort of tired. She can hear people talking over her in low, hushed voices, the dialing of a phone and the muffled, distant sound of Charlie’s worried tones. Bella must make some sort of noise of protest, she thinks, because Jake cradles her a little closer and shushes her gently. “I’ve got you,” he repeats, and that’s the last thing she hears before everything goes dark. 

-

Bella wakes up slowly in both senses. 

It takes her a moment to get her bearings- she’s in an unfamiliar bed, legs tangled in unmade blankets and sheets that smell vaguely like woodsmoke; a scent that shouldn’t be comforting yet is anyways. Sunlight filters in through the window slowly, and if she focuses, she can hear voices through the wall. 

_ Jake’s room _ , she realizes, and last night hits her like a sledgehammer. The realization, once more, how close she came to doing something unforgivable; to giving up on  _ living _ just because Edward left her. Her chest aches at the thought, half heartache and half rage, and she stumbles to her feet and into the next room. 

“Bella,” Jake says as she walks into the kitchen, bare feet padding against the wood floor. “You’re up.” 

The first thing she says is, “I’m sorry.” Her face threatens to crumple as she says it, and there’s half a dozen excuses on the tip of her tongue when Jake crosses the room in two quick steps and wraps his arms around her. 

“You do  _ not _ need to apologize,” he says fiercely, arms tightening around her. Bella thinks, distantly, that this is the most she’s been touched in the past six months. “You needed a friend, so you came, and I was here. I’m  _ happy _ that you came, Bella.” Jake pulls back from her just enough so that he can look down, brow furrowed in concern. “Charlie told us that… that he left.” 

Bella’s hands tighten into fists in the fabric of Jake’s shirt, and Bella makes herself focus on the sensation of fabric pulling under her hand, of her nails trying to bite through the fabric into her skin. “He did,” she confirms, voice raw. 

His hands tighten on her shoulders. “Are you… okay?” he asks, and Bella remembers now that he’s still sixteen and clumsy and probably has less experience with upset teenage girls than anyone else on the planet. 

But he’s holding onto her, hands warm like two bright spots against her skin, and Bella thinks, for the first time in months,  _ maybe I will be _ . “No,” she tells him, voice small. “But I think I want to be.” 

She leans into his hug this time, squeezing back, letting herself feel held. Feel seen. Feel  _ alive _ . “Alright, then,” Jake says. “We better get to work, then.” 

-

The first time she drives out to Seattle for therapy, Jake comes with.

He sits in her passenger seat and takes one look at what used to be her car radio (before she tore it out) before getting back out of the car, jogging to his house, and coming back with a portable CD player. “It’s time you start listening to some real music,” he says, all faux-disapproval at her range of CDs.  [ The album he puts on is weird ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QylI7_zJb_E&list=PLxzSZG7g8c8xSdLdrwSQAdxGeA9WZQ6EW) , but Jake bops along and sings with the words and shakes her car half to death on the ride up, and it’s just enough to stop Bella from vibrating out of her own skin. 

“I don’t think I can do this,” she says when she pulls into the parking lot. 

“Do you want me to carry you up the stairs into the building?” Jake offers. “I can do that, y’know.” 

The mental image is embarrassing enough to get Bella out of the car. Climbing into the elevator feels like a herculean effort, and actually making herself walk into the office is nearly impossible. “You’ve got this,” Jake reminds her, hand on her back. “I’ll be right here in the waiting room when you’re done.” 

Her therapist is a middle-aged woman with pale white hair twisted into dreadlocks and warm brown eyes who smiles at Bella and gestures for her to take a seat. “It’s good to meet you, Isabella- or do you prefer Bella?” At her nod, the woman smiles. “Then it’s good to meet you, Bella. My name is Dr. Thorn, or you can call me Daniella.” 

“Hi,” Bella replies. Her palms are sweating, and the seat underneath her feels like it might swallow her up with how plush it is. “It’s… it’s nice to meet you.” 

Dr. Thorn smiles in a way that Bella won’t describe as parental, crossing her legs. “Would you like to tell me why you’re here today, Bella?” 

Bella thinks about Edward leaving, about the hole in her heart left by the Cullen’s absence. She thinks about how pathetic she feels, going to therapy because her boyfriend left her. But: Jake is sitting in the waiting room. But: Charlie hadn’t questioned her decision to go to therapy, simply signed the check and given her an awkward hug on the way out the door that morning. She thinks about how easy it would have been to chase the adrenaline, the voice in the back of her head, the phantom haunting her. 

(This, thankfully, is not that story.)

“I’m here…” she trails off, looking down at her lap. “I’m here because I realized I was only alive for other people.” Bella swallows, and looks at the woman across from her. “I want to be alive for myself.” 

Dr. Thorn’s smile widens, and she clasps her hand. “That’s a great start,” she says warmly. “Do you want to expand on that?” 

-

When Victoria and Laurent come for her, she finds out that her best friend is a werewolf. 

So is half of La Push, apparently, but Bella doesn’t give a fuck if the rest of La Push is werewolves or vampires. They could be unicorns for all she cares. But Jacob has been one of the only things keeping her sane, keeping her  _ alive _ , and Bella can’t help but feel betrayed. 

“Bella, I was going to tell you-” he scrambles after her as she storms towards where her truck is park, wind pulling at her hair. “I just didn’t know how, they told us we couldn’t tell anyone, Bells,  _ please- _ ”

She whirls around, smacking his chest with her first. “But you  _ didn’t _ tell me!” she shouts, angry tears welling in her eyes. “You didn’t tell me, and they didn’t want you to, and now I’m in on the secret because I’m so fucking special- where do you think I’ve heard that one, Jake?” 

He stills, eyes wide, hands halfway reaching towards her. “Bella,” he says, anguished. “Bella, you  _ know _ it’s not the same.” 

“How the fuck am I supposed to know that, Jake?” She throws her hands up in the air. “How am I supposed to know that you’re not-” she cuts herself off, stumbling a step backwards as horror floods her. “Jake,” she croaks. “Jake, tell me you aren’t immortal.” 

It’s her worst nightmare, she thinks distantly. Jake’s going to be immortal, and Bella will fall back to where she was all those months ago. Desperately terrified of growing old, of being  _ alone _ , leaving her friend behind as she shrivels and dies. 

“I’m not immortal,” Jake says, and Bella gasps, bending over to brace herself on her knees. “Bella-  _ fuck _ -what was it Dr. Thorne said about panic attacks?” There are warm hands on her shoulders as Jake kneels in front of her. 

_ He’s always been so touchy _ , she thinks hysterically.  _ Like an overexcited puppy _ . 

“Bella, I need you to tell me five things you can see,” Jake says, hands firm on her shoulders as she tries desperately to make her lungs expand. “C’mon, Bells, I know you can do this.” 

“Grass,” she manages, squeezing her eyes shut for a moment before making herself look. “Fuck, uh… grass, dirt, your shoes, my shoes, more grass.” 

Jake tries to smother a laugh, hands rubbing down her arms. “That’s good, Bella. Four things you can hear.” 

Slowly, surely, as he walks her through the exercise, the world comes back to her in bits and pieces. “I’m sorry,” Jake says earnestly when her breathing has evened out. “I promise I’m not immortal, Bells. We can grow old together and bitch about Forks the whole goddamn time.” 

She laughs, despite the tears on her face. “If you ever lie to me again, I’m going to turn you into a very plush coat,” she threatens, and she hides her smile against his shoulder when he hugs her.

-

When Alice comes back, the first thing Bella feels isn’t surprise. It’s not relief, or love, or even sadness. 

It’s rage. 

Jacob is at one shoulder and Charlie is at the other as Bella stares out the door at the petite vampire, who’s smiling pleasantly at Bella like it hasn’t been almost a year since she up and vanished. 

“What do you want?” Bella asks flatly, and Alice’s smile falters for just a moment. 

“I need to talk to you alone, Bella!” she chirps, turning the smile up to a hundred and one. “I know it’s been a while, but it’s  _ really  _ important.” She leans in, conspiratorial, and her grin turns sharp. “It’s about Edward.” 

“Charlie, can you give us a minute?” Bella asks, not looking away from Alice. “Jake, please stay.” 

Alice’s gaze sharpens further. “I really meant  _ alone _ , Bella,” she says, voice low. “I know that  _ he _ might be in the know about some stuff, but this is kind of personal.” 

That white-hot anger flashes through Bella again, and she steps outside, Jake in tow. The moment the door’s closed behind them, her hands are curling tight into fists. “ _ He _ is the one who has come with me to every therapy appointment, been there through every panic attack, come over when I was too fucking  _ depressed _ to get out of bed, so anything ‘personal’ that you have to say to me you can damn well say to Jacob!” 

She’s heaving when she’s done talking, and Alice’s smile is gone, replaced by lips pressed into a thin line. If Bella wasn’t human, so painfully and amazingly so, she imagines the other girl might have actually been afraid of her. 

“Edward thinks you’re dead,” she says flatly. “You’ve been spending so much time with your precious Jacob that I can’t see you, anymore, and he’s convinced you’ve managed to die. That Laurent and Victoria killed you. He’s planning on exposing himself in Italy and letting the Volturi kill him.” 

And Bella thinks:  _ what a fucking moron _ . 

And Bella says: “What the hell am I supposed to do about that?” 

“Come to Italy with me,” Alice says instantly, and Jake actually laughs. “Show him you’re alive- if we leave now we can get there in time, Bella. There’s- there’s too many other options, and the only way I see him surviving clearly is when you come with me right now.” 

For a second, she considers it. It’d be easy, Bella thinks, to get into whatever sports car Alice has with her and go to Italy at the drop of a hat, to run after Edward and beg him not to do this. To act like his life is her responsibility, like she owes him something even now, after so long apart. 

“Why would I go anywhere with you?” It surprises Bella when she says it, but her resolve strengthens in her core with the words. “Alice, he left  _ me _ . Was I supposed to sit here like a pining victorian girl and never move on with my life? Never make friends, never be happy if it wasn’t with him?” A derisive laugh escapes her. “If he was so fucking worried, he would have come back to check on me himself.” 

“He’s desperate,” Alice says. “Mad with grief.” 

“Frankly, that’s not Bella’s problem,” Jake says, and Alice actually  _ snarls _ . 

“Watch your mouth before I rip your head off, Fido, because that’s my brother you’re talking about.” 

“Cut off a wolf’s head and it still has the power to bite,” Jake fires back, voice low with a growl of his own. “It’s not Bella’s problem if Prince Charming’s lost his goddamn mind.” 

“Honestly, Alice? Jake is right,” Bella says, and it feels good, in a vicious, vindictive way. “You want to prove I’m alive? Take a picture and text it to him. Tell him I suggest therapy to get over his martyr complex.” She exhales slowly, heavily, and focuses on everything she’s gone over with Dr. Thorn since their appointments started. 

“I can’t be responsible for keeping him alive,” she says, and it’s the softest thing that’s left her mouth since Alice showed up. “I couldn’t expect him to be responsible for my life, and I’m not going to pretend I can be responsible for his.” She smiles sadly. “I hope you can save him from himself, Alice, I really do.” 

And with that, Bella turns her back and moves on. 

**Author's Note:**

> FUCK edward cullen. all my homies hate edward cullen. new moon worst book team jacob superiority  
> (this is a joke i actually really like edward i just think new moon SUUUUCKS. also i haven't read it in like ten years orz) 
> 
> i am officially out of promptober buffer so i speedwrote this at midnight while watching technoblade play bedwars. i'm a serious author i swear 
> 
> find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/zackwritesstuff) and [tumblr!](https://crossroadboy.tumblr.com)


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